yerylc

I extremely dislike myself for always making a quick judgement about something and the fact that I am easily swayed by my emotions. This took me 3-4 days to admit upon arriving home (Singapore). Honestly, I miss Sydney. I miss the cool fresh breeze, the quietness I awoke to every morning, the long train rides to the city, the fact that I was alone and that I knew that I was independent. I still thrive on familiarity I won't deny, but somehow being in Singapore feels so different this time. I don't feel in sync with things here. No, I am not trying to be all "I'm Australian now because I spent the last 4 months living in Sydney". No. I truly don't feel totally comfortable and at home as I had expected. Things change, the world is not static, I get it. I think about being in Sydney all the time, I compare EVERYTHING to Sydney, I feel irritable with how things work, the people over here. Reverse culture shock? Maybe, but its only been 4 months!

Meeting up with my friends, hearing work experiences from my sister and them, I honestly cannot bear the thought of working here in Singapore. The work-life balance is literally a piece of shit here, calling it a 'balance' is a totaly overstatement and is not one bit appropriate. Call me 'atas' but I really like the Western style of living, teaching, learning, lifestyle in general. Coming from an Asian background and culture, I really loathe its expectations and mentality. I hate that life is so work-centered in Asian cultures, and that things are only seen in black and white. I dislike the fact that we have a high power distance and that status and gender have so much influence over us. I love the way my uni structures their curriculum and lessons- there is no such thing as a wrong answer and everyone takes part in class discussion as though its a conversation between a bunch of friends. From there, students are able to REALLY learn from each other and it encourages creative and new ideas of thinking.

Enough said, this post is getting slightly draggy and annoying. That'll be all. For now.

How long has it been since I last visited this extremely dead lj? Def been a while. I've actually read my earlier posts and honestly, I dont think I have changed much from my 17-18 year old self. I am still the same old, boring, anti-social pesimist that I know myself to be. Apart from living in a total change of environment - Sydney, I am truly the same old same old. Okay, yes maybe a tad bit more independent and appreciative of my loved ones, family, living in Singapore.

How has it been living down under you might ask?
FUCKING HORRIBLE.
Why? For starters, it takes alot of getting used to staying with relatives that are extremely difficult in personality and blunt in their comments, i.e my aunt. Now, I totally blame myself for actually agreeing to stay with them. Fortunately for me, plans to move out with a close girlfriend have been considered. Having to always be on your best behaviour, polite, and nice really gets to me. I loathe always trying to please my aunt for everything that I do, and yet, I never fail to do something wrong in her eyes. Whatever I do will never be enough for her. That aside, living with my cousin has been difficult. True, he is one of my closest cousins in the family however, his serious lack of sensitivity and understanding is frustrating and honestly, hurtful. Things are not as convenient as you would like them to be. It takes me 10 mins to walk from the train station from the house, 10 mins to the nearest local shops, a difficult and 'arduous' bus trip to nearest shopping mall with a supermarket. Those aspects of living here are still bearable however, the lack of understanding, support and sensitivity from my aunt and cousin just make living in this place totally intolerable to come home to.

More negative aspects of my experiences here in Sydney? Lets see, one racist incident by a smoked-up 15 year old, extremely rowdy and rude high school kids in general which I totally avoid when walking in their paths (yea I'm that afraid of them, and I'm 20), a crazy mentally deranged tranny-looking chick that asked me if I was her stalker for the past 12 years, and claimed that I spoke to the bus driver when I fucking didnt open my mouth at all, not being able to stay out late at night because it isnt safe to, expensive cost of eating outside, my aunt commenting on ever single fucking piece of food that I buy, and deeming it unhealthy. Horrible transport system where trains can stop operation for an entire weekend or, have a 30 min delay on my presentation day.

On a brighter note, there are definitely perks of staying here. The cool climate,e xtremely wide variety of food and supermarket products. Heavenly authentic thai food, close girlfriends I've made, friendly aussies in general, cute caucasian classmates/groupmates, beautiful building architecture of USYD, supre, good sales, learning how to cook, a definitely less stressful pace of life, and in the future, being able to move out with Valerie to our very own apartment.

Truthfully, I came to Sydney with the mental note that it could be my home for the rest of my life. I seriously considered staying and working here for good because the job benefits and lifestyle were so attractive. Cars are a hell lot cheaper and so are houses. But, I forgot one thing about myself. I dislike change. Alot. I thrive on familiarity and mundane-ness, I do. I thought I wanted a change of environment and that I'd like it but honestly, I don't. I don't dislike it either, I would just rather the true meaning/idea of 'home'. Why would ANYONE want to referred to as a foreigner in a country for the rest of their lives? It would be torture to me. 

Only when something dear is taken away from you, that is when you truly appreciate it. So true. I would have never felt so strongly towards my family, friends and life in Singapore if it was not for this experience studying overseas.

Well, 1 1/2 more years to go.

I don't know how anyone can relate to this but I am here to complain and basically rant cos I'm fucking annoyed and pissed off and just purely irritated.

SOME ONLINE BUYERS ARE JUST SO FUCKING DUMB AND HAVE AN IQ OF PRACTICALLY NEGATIVE VALUE HONESTLY.

This is the comment a buyer wrote on my lj shop:

i cant believe u sold it, i said i want it immediate, payment or trades/partial.

i waited for a mail for so long form u but receive no word.
At least inform me if its sold =(

May i enquire who bought it so i can purchase it from her?
If u have not mailed the item out could u please sell it to me as i will offer a higher price! I can offer $35 dollars for it.

A very sincere buyer who was looking for this bag for a long time.

do let me know and please mail me:
xxxxxx@gmail.com =)


NOTE: I had 5 comments from her telling me "how come i DINT receive any email from U"
The horrible ahlian typing just topped the charts in my tolerance level ttm.

Anyway, I mailed her previously to tell her the item was pending in payment, but yet she claimed she didn't receive any mail.
Okay nevermind, so I proceeded to give her a "piece of my mind" and tell her something about customer ethics and privacy and that everyone is not driven by money and profit unlike her, in relation to her long comment above.

She claimed she didn't receive any mail YET AGAIN when I replied her lj comment.
She then emailed me, lamenting about how fucking upset she was that I sold it without telling her and replying her email blah blah blah.

I emailed her ONCE AGAIN, showing evidence of my sent mail to her, after which I commented on her lj to tell her to check her junk/spam folder.

SHE SAID, ONCE AGAIN SHE DIDNT RECEIVE ANY EMAIL.

5 seconds later, I got an email that said:


found the mail in the junk.
thanks


FUCKCBNBKNN!
$!@$*!@Y!@*!@RJUID*&!@$HUDQR!@UWDWR@#OT#$&UTC J#$TDGC)HR&U%C@
FUCKING NOOB PIECE OF SHIT NO FUCKING BRAINS.

And I actually thought I copied her email wrongly or my gmail account was faulty.
Are some people just stupid or just stupid? Tmai.

I don't suppose you realise how irritated I am right now, and I don't expect you to sympathise with/for me tyvm.


Bye.

I think I forgot how much I enjoyed playing my surdo.
I think I forgot how much I loved playing as a band, listening to each other's instruments, coming up with cute/stupid movements at certain riffs of songs, figuring out the parts of a song that are harder to catch up and basically just letting loose along with my surdo and bandmates.

I sure do miss that feeling and glad I got it back once again today.

I am scared as hell for what tomorrow might bring me.
No wait, scared or frightened is really an understatement in fact.

Nevertheless, I know I will not hold back anymore, and I will speak my mind in the midst of tossing what ego I have aside.
My life is a total drama queen and I hate myself for what it has brought upon me. I never thought I would end up in this mess, yet somehow this feeling is foreign to me.
Sure I've had terrible breakups, not to mention a huge heartbreak not too long ago. However, what I am going through now seems to be something new and totally alien.

That aside, even in this messed up period of time, something good has come out of it.
I've discovered a startling yet rewarding and uplifting quality of myself.
I've got balls and courage. 100% definite.
Excuse me for the self-praise.

I made the first move in almost every situation, and even in a moment of rashness, jealousy and anger, I asked a fucking direct and inappropraite question.
Yet, I do not live in regret for what I've done.
Instead, I am proud of myself to have the courage to face the truth and put my ego aside.

I surprise myself sometimes.